Martin – Bass

(Spoken in a British accent to heighten drama)

When Eclectic Approach frontman Jowed Hadeed first found me, I was cowering in a rain soaked gutter on the mean streets of Seattle, more dead than alive. My only scrap of clothing was a soiled and tattered loin cloth, my only possession an electric bass guitar which I cradled in my arms like a mother caring for a sick child. Unable to speak, write or use deodorant, I could only communicate with the outside world through music, my bass saying what my untrained vocal chords could not. Hearing something in my playing, perhaps sensing a diamond in the rough, Jowed pulled me to my feet and threw me into the back of a giant white van, windows tinted black. The year was 2011. I was 24.

A precocious youngster, I was lovingly named “Martard” by guitarist Justin MacDonald for my unique and natural ability to be brash, offensive and intoxicated. Taking to the rock ‘n roll lifestyle like whiskey to my liver, I had to learn through trial and error when it was and was not acceptable to challenge myself to a 4 Loko chugging contest. Though my youthful exuberance still sometimes gets me into trouble, I’ve learned to control it when necessary and hide it when possible.

And now look at me! Thanks to Jowed and EA, I’m slowly almost becoming an adult. And to prove that I am no longer illiterate, I leave you with a quote from the incomparable Calvin And Hobbes: “If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.”

Am I done yet?